I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
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