saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
Randomize
