theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
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