she has a tiny mouth but huuuge vocal chords
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
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