so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
Is it bad that your cum tickles when I swallow it?
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
Randomize
