I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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