I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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