So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
that's all we do, eat and hve sex, eat and have sex. he thinks it's bad and that we need to talk more or whatever but I'm just not seeing the problem...
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
