I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
Randomize
