So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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