The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
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