goodnight i made you a song goodbye
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Randomize
