My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
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