I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
