I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
My dick has been in way too much crazy the past 2+weeks, but hey it feels good to fuck consistently again
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
