Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
Randomize
