Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
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