So would u like to explain why you ate all my pickels and took my 1800?
About that, i have your 1800 on my desk with intentions of returning it but theres nothing i can do about the pickels
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
