I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
but you must be fair and judge his penis by normal penis standards and not let your vision be clouded by the rare gem of a penis you have recently encountered
Desperately trying not to throw up over the side of the ferry back to CT. Can't be the first one of the season.
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
Randomize
