I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
I'm reading about reasons for wearing clothing. IS THIS COLLEGE OR PRESCHOOL?
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
Dude we gotta go back to your cabin. left glenn. he's calling me crying and still drunk
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
