went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
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