Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
