You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
Randomize
