Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
Randomize