I like to think it a success when the cops are called
Me. At least after what I've been through.
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
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