Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
