Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
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