Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
drinking out of a sandbucket again
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
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