Old men and throwing up are my life now.
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
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