I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
private study room at the lib turned into byob study room. that turned into battle royale and eric impaling his leg on a pen.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
test was negative. but nancy drew has yet to solve the case of the missing period.
Randomize
