Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
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