this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
The Olympian is in my bed
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
