A big part of growing up is learning how to tastefully stare at women
Cruel joke of nature. Hair on head runs from face, and hides on various parts of body. Aging sucks.
Cure to hiccups..road head..high five
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
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