if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
i think i just naturally attract stoners
Randomize
