Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
Randomize