everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
Omg I joined a choir last night...
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