I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
