i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
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