I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
everyone contributed. i held her hair back, he rubbed my vag... it was a team effort.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
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