morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
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