Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
Hello my rib-scented angel!
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
Randomize
