By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
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