i'm signing you up for texting rehab
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
dude. I can hear the air.
Randomize
