I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
Not me. I think "beastiality" sounds pretty classy.
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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