i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
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