shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
BTW I totally understand panda express being popular amongst the highs. I can feel the shrimp being slaughtered in my mouth. It's fantastic.
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
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