I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
trsut me youll find me, im the only kanye west here and every1 is chanting dbag at me
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
we did shots in class this morning as part of a presentation. WHY AM I LEAVING THIS COUNTRY?!
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
Randomize
