areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
He did a backflip because drugs
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
