I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
By early evening I was shouting at the deeply Christian girl to suck my dick inbetween snorting lines of gatorade powder.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize
