The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
he needs to stop knowing everyone on campus...it's making cheating on him really difficult.
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
Never go drinking with anime club. End of story.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Randomize
