my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
i think i scared a bird with my dick
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
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