mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
i just hate vaginas for liking penis's insside them
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
I don't think she can come out, she went too hard in the Intro to Theater Drinking Game at 2:30
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
Randomize
