I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
Lucas & I had a photo shoot with her cape & I had child arm floaties on most the night.. woke up in a spiderman bed
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
Randomize
