So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
My friends, they love my intelligence
see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
Randomize
