is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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