I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
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