I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
Randomize
