i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
I don't even want to think what you did to boys being that drunk and horny.
Then I wouldn't suggest looking at the pictures from last night.
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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