So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
Randomize
