Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
Randomize
