um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
we could do so many fantastic illegal things together. sexually and otherwise.
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
Drunk. Send nudes. Just curious.
Randomize
