just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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